If you had told me when I was sitting on that floor crying staring at the positive result what a blessing it would be, I'd tell you, you were lying.
If you'd let me see into the future, I still wouldn't believe you.
All so clearly I can still hear the responses,
“well what are you gonna do?”
“don't tell him
“we'll go ‘handle’ it”
I'd be lying if I said I didn't consider.
But the honest truth is, I was more scared to get on that table than to take a chance at raising you.
If nothing else, I knew you'd love me. Something I wanted so badly from my paternal parent but didn't get. Somehow, I thought this would fill that void.
But I now realize it couldn't.
The truth is. You saved me. From me.
God sent you into my life at a point that I needed a life line. A reason. A responsibility.
[bctt tweet=”My child was my lifeline…” username=”IamKenyaRae”]
You were all that. And more.
After I picked myself up off that floor, I pulled myself together. And the thought of you gave me endurance I never had before.
I wanted so much for you that I knew I couldn't give you at that time. But I knew I eventually would.
Young, dumb and altogether lost, you gave me the motivation I needed to be the best me I knew and know how.
That bathroom floor I sat and cried on was the very place I could have died but instead I was given a new life.
[bctt tweet=”I could have died, but I chose life.” username=”IamKenyaRae”]
I can't explain to you exactly where I was in that time, because the reality is I truly was lost.
The only comparison I have is that I felt like a dog chasing its tail. Or a circus clown trying to balance.
Had you not come, I don't know that I would have ever finished my first degree, let alone my second.
I sat up at night with you propped up on a pillow reading my textbooks to you. I wanted you to be proud.
When I walked across that stage and got that degree, it was for you more than me.
It was also for the people who told me I was ruining my life by having you. Saying things like, “you are only gonna become a statistic.”
I went on to get the second degree because I knew we needed more. I'd be doing homework at the same time as you. I wanted you to know that we are never too old to keep learning.
It was nothing short of the grace of god that I juggled working full time, school full time, and still being able to raise you.
He truly equipped me for what he gave me.
[bctt tweet=”God will equip you for the things that he gives you.” username=”IamKenyaRae”]
Being your mother can be so hard at times. As you grow older, I see so much of my past staring at me and so much of a man I never planned to attach myself to.
All in one of my biggest blessings.
I do my best, but I fall short and fail often. I decide I'm giving up. But then get swept over with that same energy I had when I found out about your mere existence. You deserve more.
So I give more.
[bctt tweet=”you deserve more. so I give more. #motherhoodquote” username=”IamKenyaRae”]
It has been trial and error. Man I've completely bombed this mom thing more than a time or two.
But I hope you always know, I am truly doing my best.
I jokingly say, “the measure of my success is that you grow up and don't need therapy” Lol.
Even if you do, I gave you my all.
I truly hope you know and understand that.
I am thankful for the woman your grandmother is, as she taught me things I didn't realize until there was you. Things I hated during the lesson.
I am thankful for the man god gave us to cover our home. I think you knew from the beginning how much he loved us both. It made the transition into a family, from it being just me and you that much easier.
I love watching you grow into your own person. Although it scares me, and aggravates me even more, at times. I know you will be and do great things.
I thank god for you, and love you more than you'll ever know.