I walked into the office and he said, “When you head out to your thing can you drop the kids off to me so I can pick up some extra hours?”
I instantly huffed and puffed and turned on the guilt inducing faucet.
He said, “what's the problem? I don't understand. You can still go on time, you'd just have to drop them off”
All I could think about was having to take an extra step. To leave the house with the kids. During MY TIME.
Time I was looking forward to, a mom's lottery jackpot, a car ride alone.
You know where you listen to the music you don't let them. (Maybe that's just me) and hear your own thoughts and be alone. No requests. No fussing. Just alone.
But instantly I felt convicted.
I knew my response was wrong.
I knew he was picking up extra hours because money is getting tight. That inside he's probably worrying a bit because neither of us are working full time.
All I could think about was me. And my time.
Immediately after it happened I went to my room and pulled out my prayer journal. I wrote to God just what was on my heart.
I told God I needed help being a wife.
I needed help not being selfish and that I needed help with my attitude and responses.
I apologized before going to bed that night.
And in my husbands normal manner, he said it was cool and assured me he loved me. Still.
When I woke up the next morning. He was already gone to work.
I was home with the kids. I fixed them breakfast, washed my hair and with the whole incident still on my mind I went to the back of my bible, and searched the concordance for “attitude”.
I really thought my attitude was the problem. But God used his word to show me the deeper issue.
To show me something about myself. Something I would have denied before this moment.
My search led me to 1 kings 21 where King Ahab decides to boycott eating in response to not getting his way.
The issue here was not a bad attitude, it was selfishness.
The attitude was a result of being selfish.
In that moment I flashed back to several moments I have had an attitude. With different people. For different reasons. I realized that not only do I have an attitude problem, I am selfish.A bad attitude can be a key indicator of being selfish Click To Tweet
Yup, I am admitting that I am selfish.
So now being self aware, I can't stay this way.
I thought about how I fuss at my children when their selfish ways surface. Or how I feel about another adult who is demonstrating selfish behavior.
I'm them. All of them.
How can I expect more of others than I expect of myself?
So I don't know how this will unfold. But I can't stay this way.
I have since apologized to my husband again. Because when I originally apologized, I thought I was apologizing for my attitude. But I actually had to apologize for being selfish and making him feel like I'm not on the same team.There is an opportunity to grow when you realize theres an issue and commit to fix it Click To Tweet
I admitted to him my realization.
He assured me that while he doesn't like selfish. He loves me. Still.
So here we grow…